Giving love another chance
From her heartbreak on the bachelor, to now, Sam must pick one amazing man to fulfil her wild fantasy of a fairytale marriage. Booshit Booshit Booshit.
We open with incredible landscapes of New Zealand with Sam recapping the whole concept of the show in case we had a huge day today and completely forgot. Bless.
Michael appears at the airport and we get a full recap of pretty much every Smooth Balls Bachie moment. This is of course followed by the same for Sasha. SAMASHA ALL THE WAY! I personally would have loved the recap to show the boys flying in to NZ in ecomony class, squished between a scantily dressed smelly person and a 4 year old with a bb gun, but nope – looks like first class or at least business class all the way. Pft.
We then meet Sam’s siblings who are very protective of her after the whole Blake disaster. To be honest I hadn’t really thought about how Blake’s behaviour would have impacted her family, but of course it would have, which means they ain’t gonna take no shit. Oh I can’t do it. A double negative. They aren’t going to take ANY shit. Phew, better.
Smooth Balls is up first to meet the family. He and Sam fondle each other on the driveway. How the frick can someone act so lovey dovey with someone when they are apparently head over heals with the other one? Answer me Sambo!
Sam’s sister, Chris, agrees with me that Smooth Balls is very smooth, answering the questions perfectly. And like me, that sales pitch just doesn’t roll with her. She calls him on it and she is NOT MESSING AROUND – seriously, check out the face. Scary! It’s disappointing because if she ran off with Michael, Sam could run off with his Dad. Apparently Blake said all the right things too and he’s a complete fuckwit.
The Ice Queen interrogates him and he blurts his way through it and starts to melt her stone cold broken heart. And then it’s time to piss off.
Sasha rocks up next and Sam warns him that they may interrogate him by hanging him by the toes over a hot grill. They almost come up with the goods and start with “do you want love or fame’? Sasha reveals he will be heading straight back into building and as he doesn’t even have a facebook page he may not be set up for fame. Good answer dude! The Ice Queen can’t help but like him. They turn off the grill.
Sasha heads off and they have a family chat about Sam’s decision. The boys need to say they love Sam for her to have the confidence she needs. Didn’t Smoothie write it on his hand in an earlier ep??? And isn’t saying you love someone too early just a really bad idea? Blake? Cough cough.
Meanwhile in Facebook land, my gorgeous friends are discussing how they will be sharing the spoils of war – whoever Sam doesn’t pick is apparently being hand delivered to their doors for usin’ and abusin’. Yes, that’s exactly how this works girls… J
Sam goes for a walk on a jetty somewhere and ponders life. It’s cool we hear her inner monologue so we know exactly what she is thinking.
Michael appears and they head off on a date together which involves a helicopter and a man who is scared of heights. Seriously, what the fuck? Surely another boat with a couch would have sufficed. They do have those in NZ yes?
They somehow end up in a rainforest wearing white-water-rafting safety gear. They hop into a raft and start heading down some rapids. This is good because apparently death is a great way to bring people closer together. Considering this is a finale, I’m surprisingly bored and wonder what the hell they are missing from this series. Something just ain’t right I tells ya.
Smoothie and Sam visit some hot springs and Smoothie reveals he is a ‘bath-guy’. Game over. Sasha wins.
Sam thinks Smoothie has a “block” of some sort. I think it’s a block on his sense of humour.
Smoothie reveals he loves Sam and loves where this will go. Maybe an actual career in soccer where people who play soccer know who the eff he is.
We now explore Sasha’s inner monologue which is blended with live talking. I’m confucius.
He and Sam head off on a sailing boat which requires some muscles from Sam. Sam is so unimpressed she asks where the cheese platter is. And the couch and wine Sambo?
Sasha reveals he hasn’t been sleeping because he spends so much time thinking about their future together. Sam thinks it’s beautiful he thinks of her at night. I’m just picturing the pile of socks beside the bed… Yeah I went there.
They ditch the boat for a sea plane and Sam pretends she didn’t just see all this before with her other boyfriend.
They end up at Waihiki Island (just guessing the spelling there) where we indeed find a random couch on a lawn surrounded by ikea baskets and a fire pit. Sam is pushing Sasha to say he loves her and he realises he pretty much has to do it now or forever hold his wine on a couch on his own.
He finally says it and Sam grins from ear to ear. She shuts him up with her lips.
We then have about 5 years of adverts.
It’s now 2019 and Sam is doing yoga on the beach. We get the various inner monologues as everyone prepares for the final count downnnnnn.. de ne nah nah. De ne na a nahhhh.
I’ve eaten half a goddamn packet of strawberry shortcake biscuits which I completely blame on this show for being so painfully slow.
Sam appears in a gorgeous gown and the sun always seems to be behind her no matter which way she turns. It’s amazeballs.
Inner monologues blah blah blah.
We come back from another 5 year ad break and Sam is wondering around lost in some very green wonderland. I wish someone would give her directions.
Osher stands at the top of the road like an underpaid bouncer who’s borrowed his smaller brother’s suit as Michael appears in the schmik black car. Michael traipses down the hill to our awaiting Bachelorette. Sam declares how wonderful Michael is until she starts to tear up and reveal…. She can’t say it. Michael knows. She says sorry. I compare this to the Bachelors who really didn’t seem to find it hard to tell their loser that they were the loser. At least Sam seems to give a rats arse. Michael heads back up the hill past some poorly disguised but suitably positioned tombstones and Sam calls for the makeup team before Sasha arrives.
More ads and I realise this show has gone for 90mins already.
We’re back and the black car pulls up and we wait with baited breath. Is it Sasha or Michael’s Dad?…
It’s Sasha! Yay! Osher directs Sasha down the hill so SAMASHA can finally be a reality. I called it!
Sam makes Sasha feel doomed when she can’t even start talking without tearing up again. I hope she is going to say “I choo choo choose you” like Ralph and Lisa Simpson on valentines day. She doesn’t. Pffft.
She takes fricken ages to say she loves him and finally they pashola and my TV has a hissy fit because it can’t handle the lovin’. I’m not personally feeling romantical because my dog Mango Frankenstein is cuddling up to me and he smells like wee..
I’d like to thank my gorgeous little crew of Bachie watchers for enduring this season with me. You guys made it so much funnier than it was! Love! And a huge thanks to my dear gorgeous Monique who I now hate because she’s obviously funnier than me. Biatch. 😉