suitEpisode 3 – Crackin’ Sheilaretta Australia

We start the episode with the boys hanging out, arms around each other just chilling, because that’s how guys chill. Sasha lays down the law which is that they don’t need bro code but they need to respect the bro code, bros, or something like that. Head. Hurts.

Then in a shock turn of events, Osher’s grandparocks up. Where’s Osher? Is he ok? Arghhh (Oh hang on, just been informed that WAS Osher – just wearing his Grandpa’s cardi – my mistake – awks!) He announces that the next 1 on 1 date clue is “let’s start off on the right foot”. Shock of all shocks, Sasha gets the 1 on 1 which was not obvious from the last week of ads showing Sasha and Sam on a 1 on 1 date.

Turns out everyone is nervous around Sasha, including the remaining Daves, Davey and Dave. Dave is so nervous he hopes Sasha breaks his leg. I’m not sure that’s part of the bro code, bro.

One on one date time! It’s Salsa dancing! Ole!

Sam admits she thinks Sasha has 2 left feet which makes her date clue super insensitive. They enjoy awkward dance lessons followed by a discussion where they share step-dad-awesomeness stories. I have a quick nap. Then they perform an awkward tango concert for the swimming pool…. The pool is not impressed. They sit down on another strategically positioned couch (who finds all these couches?) for another awkward chat. Turns out Sasha was engaged 2 years ago, and strangely, as he’s talking about his exes his hands creep across the couch towards Sam’s leg. And then there’s the rose and the weird cheek kiss. Apparently that was a great date. My nap must have been longer than I thought.

Group date card time. Red hair tie and overalls announces who is going but I can’t comprehend because red hair tie and overalls. Davey has the backwards hat happening which clearly shows he is confused about how hats work – sympathy vote.

Group date! Yay! To raise money for a dog charity they are having photos with super cute pooches that remind Sam of the bachelor she’s partnered them with. When one Bachelor gets a Rottweiler and one gets a Pomeranian, there is no risk of emasculating anyone.

The boys get their shirts off and do push ups.

One a completely unrelated note, the episode is finally improving!

Poor Keiran has 2 little footballs pretending to be dogs that he has to try to look cool with. Michael cheats by hanging out with a rugged looking dog who is too cool to be there. Meanwhile, Tony’s dog is so unimpressed with Tony’s advances that he falls asleep.

The best dog belongs to Kayne – his dog thinks the whole thing is HILARIOUS and that stacks on is the only solution! Can’t wait to see the pics!*

Dave ditches his backwards hat and sleeveless shirt to awkwardly lay in a bath next to a disinterested rottie.

Michael scores the next 1 on 1 because he was sooo chilled and relaxed with his chilled and relaxed dog and his chilled and relaxed abs and tattoos. Chilled and relaxed.

We don’t see the photos which is BULLSHIT.

Michael and Sam enjoy a lovely chat and reveal that they both think each other is pretty spesh. They both apparently have, like, lots to offer, like. I think they are talking about the marketing opportunities they will have after the show.

Cocktails!

Kayne says ‘yous’ and I scratch him off the show. He is now dead to me. He better be eliminated tonight. The bachelors all agree. Thankfully he introduces rap in his romantic attempts and hopefully seals the deal for me. Oh shit. Sam loved it.

Will’s hair at the cocktail party looks like the evil cousin to Osher’s hair.

Sasha starts making some serious moves on Sam and finally they have their first pash! Sam nods in approval and goes in for seconds. Awww Samasha!

Rose Ceremony!

Osher explains that 9 roses, but 10 bachelors means that one bachelor will be leaving tonight. Thank god we have Osher and his Ron Burgundy jacket.

Sam picks Michael first and all the willys in the room sag a little. Unfortunately for me Kayne gets through. Of course I realise now that he said ‘yous’ because he is a rapper, and that’s ok.

Sam sends lovely, smitten Neil from the Young Ones home because he is too nice and cares too much. Boo hiss. Vegetable rights and peace, Neil.