sam-just-dontEpisode 2 – Crackin’ Sheilaretta Australia

Tonight there was stuff on the show like Hansel being a dick and saying he was picturing Sam drowning in the river because she made him wear a wetsuit for the first time in his life. He puts his head in his hands and reflects on the agony of it all before taking the plunge off the cliff making it clear that he expects her to fucken appreciate it.

Neil from the Young Ones tries to jump off a cliff but in the wrong direction which Sam thinks is super adorable and even though everyone else shat themselves while jumping, she goes off on a date with Neil anyway. They do cricket stuff. It. Was. Really. Good.

Who cares what happens next because Hansel.

Smooth Balls has some one on one time at the partaay and this is where the episode turns from good to ROCKING. He tells Sam that he has a frozen face from the cold soccer games but he’s trying to thaw it out when Hansel decides to break the BRO CODE and join the chat. Smooth as shit, Smooth Balls invites Hansel to join their chat about his frozen face while Sam looks confused about how Hansel survived the cliff jump she’d pushed him off earlier.

Smooth Balls masterfully leaves the conversation and hands a clueless model to his fate.

Sam challenges Hansel about the bro code and he reveals that “the other guys” were “concerned” about how she might be all horny over Smooth Balls because of his tattoos and abs and smooth ball career which results in Sam ripping him a new one and telling him to fuck himself. But he’s cool and thinks this is their first love fight and that it’s “all good!”. Hahahahahahahaha! Douche canoe! (thanks Jess)

Rose Ceremony Time!

Super Sam picks Michael second so it’s not too blatant but blatant enough to rub a little bit of shit in Hansel’s face. Davey’s made amends this time around (he’s had 3 girlfriends in 8 years so he got happy background music which means we like him now) and makes it through easily.

Sam flies through the ceremony because it’s so easy before she flings Hansel out the door like Randall at the end of Monsters Inc.

Osher tells David that he didn’t get a rose because this wasn’t clear enough when Hansel didn’t have a rose. Hansel looks behind himself to double check he doesn’t have a rose. He doesn’t have a rose.

Hansel then decides that now is a great time to berate Sam about her judging him too quickly and making a mountain out of mole – she cuts him off and shows him the door. Davey increases his standing all round by yelling “Jackass!” as Hansel tries to leave the house without turning left. Team hug and laughter all round – a first in Bachie rose ceremony history!