It’s bachie time and our beanie covered lads are playing chess in the lounge. Osher waltzes in and notices that we are running out of Bachelors! Ooh shit!
It’s single date card time. It’s important to note that Davey is wearing his stupid cap backwards and looks like a goddamn 12 year old. Ironically, the clue is “young at heart.” I think we are about to discover who is young at heart and who is young at frontal lobe.
The lucky lad is announced and it’s Ritchie! The other boys cry bitterly (the producers kindly don’t show that bit). Osher placates them by leaving them with the group date card too. With such a small group I wonder how they could even leave anyone out with being complete a-holes. The clue for the group date is “all is fair in love and war”. Davey reads out each blokes names and Smooth Balls realises he is the only one whose name isn’t read out. He starts to sob delicately into a white handkerchief. That is until Davey reveals Smoothy is on the list too – aww so cheeky. Fucker.
On the group date Sam and Osher meet the boys at a carnival and announce that there will be a knockout challenge. The winner gets to “spend time” with Sam under the “Big Top”. I’m pretty sure he said those quotation marks. Alex’ inner monologue malfunctions as he reveals to the group that he will crawl over their dead bodies to win this challenge.
The first challenge is the he-man challenge with the hammer thingo that they smack on the base bit and the other bit shoots to the top bell. You know what I mean shut up. For some reason it reminds me of the Flintstones. Anyway turns out Smooth Balls can kick a soccer ball but can’t swing a hammer so he’s out.
Next round and they are doing a tug of balls war. We have Davey and Sasha against Alex and Dave. Davey and Sasha win so it’s then Alex against Dave in a challenge where they throw balls at clowns’ faces. Dave gets the ball into the clowns mouth first go. I know, I know – sooooo much to work with there! I’ll let your dirty minds run riot. [time extension]
So that means Alex is out.
Sasha was eliminated somehow and then it was Dave versus Davey throwing balls to knock over clown tabs. You know how hard it is to describe this stuff !?!?!? Anyway, thankfully Dave wins and he’s off to the “Big Top” with Sam. Turns out is really is just a Big Top.
They have a chat on another couch which goes all very well and then they “hug it out” at the end. Put it there, mate!
Richie’s date starts and Sam reveals that they are going to get completely made-over to look like they are in their 80s. (Not in the 80s – I really wish they’d combined the 2: 80s in the 80s!)
Richie ends up looking like Johnny Knoxville from Bad Grandpa. They walk, talk and act like old people which is actually hilarious. They visit a bingo session at a bowling club where it’s announced they are celebrating their 50th anniversary. They spend the whole time laughing their heads off. They totally suck at bingo and should be sitting in the naughty corner. Best. Date. Ever.
A younger old bird makes a move on Richie!
But it’s ok because Sam beats her off with a walking stick.
It’s then time to dance to old rock music and they blow the oldies away with their energy and back strength. Richie even does some break dancing and I reckon every old lady there went home and said to her hubby “why can’t you move like that, you old hack!”. Divorces aplenty will no doubt ensue.
They find a couch somewhere (yes, I spat my drink out in surprise too) to chat about the good times, the bad times and the happy times. Richie reveals that families are important because “you only have one”. I vomit a bit in my mouth. They watch a video that Richies mum and sister made, introducing Sam to Richie. They talk about how amazing he is and kindly leave out the bits where he is actually human.
Sam gives Richie a rose which he accepts in his old man voice. They have a quick kiss which accidently turns into a pashfest. We all start to like Richie and I’m now glad “no name” didn’t leave last night.
Back at the bachie pad cocktail party Richie rocks up proud as punch with the rose on his shirt. He shows them a photo of Sam and himself dressed up as oldies. Richie loves how Sam’s eyes still sparkle even though she’s in her 80’s….
They all laugh until someone asks Richie what the best thing was about the date and he answers “everything”. Cue silence, death looks and moody music.
Tonight Sam channel’s Tina Turner instead of Kermit the Frog. She enters vaguely and speaks vaguely before pulling Davey away for a chat. Everyone suspects something is wrong but in reality she is just distracted by the tit-tape holding her Tina Turner number up. Sam starts to interview Davey about his ladies-man-ness and his immaturity and she basically tells him she has written him off. Davey is obviously pretty hurt and pissed off. It’s as awkward as this show has gotten. He’s either pissed off that she’s worked him out, or pissed off because she’s got him all wrong and he’s really just a 12 year old boy in a big man’s world. Heartless, Sam. Heartless.
Back to the other lads and Osher appears. He reveals that Sam has “let Davey go” like a bug a child has kept hostage in a jar for a week. We didn’t get to see it so I can only imagine he cried and cried and snot went everywhere and it was just too gross to watch. Either that or her tit-tape failed and she had a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction.
So no Rose Ceremony tonight. Sam had already left. So rude.
The boys summarise the show in a montage of sports analogies. You really do have the play the ball that’s in front of you.