BACHIE beyond the thunderdomeEpisode 5 – Crackin’ Sheilaretta Australia

Bachie time!!!

It’s double date night and according to the ad we will all be face-palming in delightful awkwardness! Yay! But once the show starts we realise we will be face palming in even more cringeworthy awkwardness when the bachelors do some weird kid’s party group date.

We open today on the bachie pad and only half of the lads are nursing their white cups of warm soothing goodness (probably milo – yum, I love milo) when Osher appears with the latest card which declares “I like my martinis shaken, not stirred”. Two names are on the card, and apparently they will need to “play their cards right” tonight – geddit? Tony and Davey are the two lads selected for this Mad Max event where two men enter but only one man leaves.

‘A-game’, ‘do or die’ and ‘head on chopping block’ are just 3 of the many unique expressions sprayed at us like wee from an excited male dog.

The boys meet Sam on a lovely yacht with the boys dressed in cute opposite-matching-suit-sets. Ie. white suit, black shirt versus black suit, white shirt. Yes, it’s a Spy versus Spy Max Max Thunderdome date.

Tony bores Sam about his maturity, affection and his pickiness about woman as they stand on the boat bit that is outside (I know boats intimately) and are interrupted by Davey who was bored as all hell on the other side of the boat, completely unaware that he had the better side of the boat, (end of the stick, part of the bargain).

He is rapidly shot down by Tony. Awks! Face-palm! The boys stand off by looking at each other without speaking but while smiling – a silent friendly battle of willies twits wits. Davey wins this battle and Tony goes and has a little cry in the corner.

Davey and Sam curl up on a boat-couch (another couch!) and Sam asks herself if there is a deeper side to Davey. Along with the rest of the country I laugh and laugh.

Davey gets all deep and makes me look silly snorting by myself, when Tony childishly joins them on the couch with cocktails. He asks if it’s awkward and it’s only a little bit, until Davey declares he would love to take Sam to a park and Tony could hold their bags for them. Gold!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch….

The group date names are announced and it’s everyone! Well that was fun.

Back to the yacht where they are starting dinner and Sam wants to make sure no one is feeling awkward by asking if they feel awkward which reminds them that they felt awkward.

Sam interviews them both at the same time, which is a real time saver for us, but really hard work for the musician who has to go from baddie to goodie music like a pianist in a bar where Mother Teresa and Donald Trump are having a dance-off.

Sam’s interview questions are suitably personal to ensure additional awkwardness. Tony sucks at being interviewed and Davey get’s his answers correct. Davey, you’re hired!

Tony gets asked back for a second interview, where Sam lets him down gently – he’s just not employable. Bye bye Tony. You ain’t funny enough, bro. On ya boat.

Sam let’s Davey know that she threw Tony off the boat and he rubs his hands with glee. Yippee!

Group date kids party time! Somehow an insane kids’ party will be a great way to show what sort of Dads the boys would make. Because, oh yeaaaah, as a parent, I find myself spending allllll day everrrrry day throwing parties, dressed up as a clown. Oh hang on.

The reward will be a one on one interview with Sam while she cooks a delicious dinner. Bonus! Food!

They start by having to dress up and Smooth Balls goes for the fairy wings while Kayne decides to be the receiver of a pie throwing contest. There’s bubbles, arts and crafts, balloons, face painting and a Mexican with a helium voice racing egg cups – which I think may give me nightmares. Smooth Balls rocks it with story time about a slutty princess who is living with 14 princes.

Dave runs a “shark island” which is a massive fail and looks hilariously creepy trying to convince a little girl to let him chase her.

We then get another one of those fucking annoying ads where past bachelorettes tell us what to do to get radiant smiles. Get a real job!

Butterfly Sam declares that today’s winning guy is… Smooth Balls (SB). Because his story was uber romantical.

For dinner Sam cooks up a beautiful ham, cheese and tomato toastie – because she doesn’t want SB to think that she’ll be cooking and cleaning for him. To ensure the standards are nice and low she burns it. High Five Sambo!

After their posh dinner, Sam gives SB a gift which is a close up view of her arse as she steps past him. She then hands him a set of cards which are a Sam-version of the cards SB did for her last episode. The last card says he can kiss her whenever he likes which is a blatant breach of his kiss voucher but all is ok as Sam whips out the kiss voucher and hands it over. Pashmina time!

For dessert Sam gives SB a rose. Finally, a date that didn’t feel like an interview. SB grudgingly lets Sam recycle her kiss voucher. Awwww smooshy!

Back at the bachie pad the boys are bitching about the stupid kids’ party. Dave the plumber thinks he will be in the shitter at the rose ceremony because of his party pooper efforts.

When Sam arrives in a dress inspired by Kermit the frog, Dave throws a glass, Miss Piggy style. Kermiiiiii!

OK, so the truth and a good story don’t always align, but he did knock a glass over and she did look like Kermit. Dave explains to Sam that he actually does like kids, just not the kids that were there today. OK, that may be slightly inaccurate too. He pleads his case well, comparing his past life fixing sewer lines to his time here with Sam. Yes, that bit was true. He left the sewers and the teenage mutant ninja turtles for her.

The next bit is the boys revealing that they don’t like Sam kissing other boys. That’s all the airtime I’m giving it. Moving on. [Producers, take note.]

Ceremony Time!

KERMIOsher reveals that Kermit is letting one muppet go tonight. I hope it’s Kayne or the other guy, purely because I keep forgetting his name.

Oh cool. The last 2 standing are indeed Kayne and the other guy.

Oh, his name is Richie Cunningham and he does get a rose which means Kayne took pies in the face for nothing. That being said, he had a ripper time and left with dignity – Hansel, I hope you were watching and taking notes.

Can’t wait for next week when Richie and Sam get oldie makeovers and Davey is uncharacteristically immature! Bring it on!