bacheloretteHey thrill seekers. Well you’re not really; you’re watching the Bachelorette; like me. I realise I should get out more.

Here’s some exciting news. Rosie’s bailed AGAIN so you have to put up with me. She decided business networking is more important. So she’s off talking to business people, professionally, wearing her executive active wear…

Last week saw me empty my vodka bottle. Boo. But it’s cool, I found a pure blonde – unlike our favourite bachelorette over the years.

Yay baby it’s finals week – finally!

Will our favourite little nail polish perfectionist finally make a decision – with a rose – for the second last time ever in her life?

The rumours have been flying in the media. You think you’ve got a scoop, then bam – you’re whacked again…I’m left thinking the ratings are so crappy, that they’ve set up fake arse stories to make us watch the show. Damn it – kinda works.

A quick dude recap:

Sexy Sasha, the 30 year old Construction Manager – 2 one on one dates, 6 on camera kisses (some with A LOT of tongue and paint), and 3 roses prior to a rose ceremony.

Muscly Michael, the 34 year old ‘Professional Soccer Player’ (cough cough) – 0 one on one dates (haha ha), 4 on camera kisses (1 involving the whole leg wrap holding bum thing), unsure how many kisses his dad slipped in, and 1 rose prior to a rose ceremony.

Raunchy Richie, the 30 year old Rope Access Technician – 1 one on one date, 4 kisses (mostly sweet but a bit platonic), and 1 rose prior to a rose ceremony.

Hmmm, kinda seems like Mr Construction has built quite a strong, winning fort. So can Mr Muscles break down the SAMASHA walls, or will Mr Rope Technician use his rope skills to scale the wall and get the girl?

The road to Sam’s happy ending begins now.

Twinkly music leads us into the recap. We see the best parts and all the past crap. Quick outline of tonight: they are all ‘falling in love’ with Sam – great – they understand the point of the show.

Sam’s overwhelmed. It took effort to match her red lips to her jumper. I wish for a hand shot to see if that red nail polish is still perfect.

Beautiful sky shots and then bam, there’s Sam, and a plane. I’m impressed with the new combo. But no couch yet peeps.

Sexy Sasha Slinks In.

As the producers run the ‘good time’ recap, we cross to Sashy in a car. He’s blindfolded – I’m secretly waiting. Boo…

Sweet! Sam’s going to get him over his fear of heights – in a plane. I’d slap her like I’d have slapped the owl dude on the first night.

She throws herself on him and he holds in a fart. He is secretly shitting himself – oh no wait, he tells her – charming. Keep it in Sash. Sam thinks she’s a hero, the whole making him face his fear shit. You’d better pick him now Sam or I get to call you a mean cow.

They go up – in the plane. It’s still a PG rating. They kiss. I can barely type from sweaty hands as I too have a fear of heights; maybe that’s because it’s where birds are found. Sash looks like he holds in a spew burp. Let it out Sash – she deserves that. Nope, they kiss. I secretly hope for spew to transfer. Gross hey, but it would make for interesting ‘eeewwww’ viewing. Ratings would soar. Or he’d become a YouTube star – either way…

Sasha’s strapped to a guy. Not quite the romantic date he was hoping for. Sam notices Sash is white and wonders if he’ll turn yellow and chicken out. Hero! He does it. Sam screams like a girl. Seems to come naturally to her.

Sasha sucks it up (literally almost choking on air) while Sam continues to be a noisy bogan mid-air. The man back-pack gets in some inspirational words about how the world looks ‘amazing’ from up there and gets his 15 seconds of bachelorette fame.

Sasha lands hard on his butt, gets up and pulls the straps away from his package (“the fruit and veg”) that makes me somehow think of apricots and bananas. Sam lands, they kiss and she feels sick. Disaster date. Stupid producers.

Sasha takes care of Sammy. She thinks they are closer now. He pats her hair. I wonder if I can hire him. Wait: her nails – yep, they’re still perfectly red. How in the world?

Oh look, a wicker couch, with cushions, and flowers, and champagne and probably a cheese platter. Hmmm, Sam almost passed out and felt so sick but still guzzles the champers – go girl, you’re a trooper. They do the whole cheers thing. My partner gets home so I cheers my beer with him. He wonders what’s wrong with me.

Sasha stumbles asking about the hometown visit. He then says his family loved her as much as he does. Did ya catch that Sammy? Subtle but sweet.

Sam goes blah blah blah and is worried Sasha will realise she’s got nothing after the show ends. She doesn’t want him to be disappointed in ‘just her’. Oh Sam, fight those inner demons, you are worthy. Sash’s turn to blab on and on and on and on. I’m getting bored – quickly. Sam simply nods and waits for her script to kick back in. They kiss. Date over and I can’t believe I’m actually thankful for that.

Raunchy Richie Is Cool Bananas.

Sam reminisces while standing next to a helicopter. It’s not going or her perfect hair would be cactus. Richie makes Sam feel good inside and out. He’s one of a kind. Yeah, coz he’s totally cool bananas Sam. Sam is hoping Richie smooches the shit outta her today (in different words but I knew what she meant).

Sam explains the awesome, awesome, awesome date. Richie says cool bananas another time. The chopper heads off while they hold hands. We’re install for snowmen and snow angels – they told us. Mountains, snow – Sam points out the obvious. Thanks Sam, I was wondering what those pointy things and white stuff was…

They suit up in snow gear. Sam looks amazeballs. So does Richie. Snow ball fight then snow angels. It’s the best, but not quite like the movies. Richie draws a heart. These two are so much fun. Maybe he’s becoming my fav now.

Piggy back ride, but not too far. They sit and smooch. Lots. Up to a chalet and wait for it…there’s another fucken couch. Yep, brown leather in front of the fire. Wine is poured. I begin to think Sam is more of an alco than me. Still perfectly red nails…

I suddenly realise we got jibbed – there was no snowman. I feel a little bit let down by the producers and script writers. Sam must be deflated.

Back to the chalet where they are going blah blah blah. Sam wants to pry as she’s at his pointy end – the pointy end – opps. Those walls again Richie; throw the ropes down to Sammy. Sam has walls too. Heart to heart blah blah about these walls. Richie tries to process her crap. More about walls. I’m distracted thinking about walls…

Richie is blabbing again so I take advantage of finishing my first beer. These couches kill the show. They make it as boring as watching paint dry on walls…Please stop, please. Just rip off his shirt and smooch him already Sam ffs. No such luck.

OMFG – An Ad For A Couch.

There’s dogs and cats on a couch. I crack up, snort and have to settle to type again. Well played Plush. My couch is a Plush couch. They are the best. Maybe I could host the next series – on my couch, with my humorous banter scripting the show.

Muscly Michael Mosies On In

Recap moment again. Hey, I don’t see any aviation thingys in the background. Nope, it’s a boat this time. Original. Michael sniffs Sam – not weirdly. He reckons they look like twins – again, not weirdly.

They are going whale watching. Michael notices Sam isn’t a whale as she sits on his lap. Watch out for a special appearance by yours truly. I notice Sam still has perfect bright red nails. They chat about how Michael’s mum proposed to his dad. Sam says she loves women taking things into their own hands and Michael says he appreciates that. Hmm, yep!

They zip along the water and Michael states, ‘It’s a real whale’. No shit Sherlock, you think they bought in fake, mechanical ones the fucken show? Sam thinks it is a pod of male whales and I have visions of a whale with a rose. Then I wonder what Sam saw to think they were males. Then I start to wonder about the whole whale thing. OMG. Where was I…

Episode 9 with guest blogger Monique Bruggeman!!

They are still hugging and finally, they snog. Time for dinner – at a table, in a massive fish bowl. I tell my partner he can do that for me. I wonder if they’ll order fish. Sam reaches for the champagne, a natural movement for our trooper. Two Sword fish are perving down Michael’s shirt, I’m not kidding you.

I virtually crown Michael the ‘King of stating the fucken obvious’. He at least realises Sam’s a dag like him. Sam questions how she’d fit into his career travel. I hate to break it to you Sam, he’s not really a soccer player…I don’t trust those little eyes. All evil cartoon characters have small eyes. You’ll go and look at that now…

We look at fish – exciting. I’m kinda hoping that my psychic abilities will crack the tank as at least they’d have a wet shirt contest. Sorry, must be off today.

They smooch. A fish swims past and imitates them with its fishy mouth movement. I giggle. Michael asks permission to have a fish tank if they end up together. Cute but spewable. And that ends that date.

Time For The Rose Ceremony

We see the boys straightening their suits, all looking very dapper. Michael is wearing the pocket hanky… Doomed perhaps?

Close up of Sam’s perfect red nails. But wait, she has feathers. I eek and wonder how in hell she can wear that.

Oshey baby. It’s his turn to play ‘Let’s state the fucken obvious before one of you gets your heart ripped out on National TV’, but wishes his bros good luck.

I quiver at Sam’s feathers while she quivers at the thought of making her decision. I secretly reckon her quiver is coz someone left a thorn on the bloody rose. Damn it.

Serious music plays and they play stare bears.

Sasha has the first rose. Love! But seriously Sashy, that outfit – you look like you should be showing people to their seats in the theatre.

Bum bum. She chooses Michael next. But she cries. Michael must feel like crap.

Poor Richie. Sam is in tears and in comes Osh to state the fucken obvious again. Sam is still crying and walks Richie out.

Sam thinks he is amazing and has a beautiful soul. Then why Sam, why? Richie, with hands planted firmly in his pockets, wants to get out of there.

Richie, a world of ladies await you. And seriously dude, play that rope technician card everywhere you go. You’ll be the next Mr Grey.

Until tomorrow, stay cool peeps. It now has to be Sasha. I said it from day one. Please Sammy, please!