Episode 8: Home visits with the Top 4. with guest blogger Monique Bruggeman!!! www.avirtualcopywritingmonstar.com.au
Rosie’s gone out, so you get me tonight. Crap. My pants, not the show – hopefully…Big shoes to fill, a bit like Sasha (hmmm mmmm).
With the state of this show, it’s no surprise Rosie has bailed – I’ve heard she’s eating dinner, on a couch, in her active wear…
Home visit night, this HAS to be good. My vodka bottle says it will help make this entertaining – let’s hope so.
The previews are promising us a grilling. Sam on a grill, like a sausage – it’s gonna sizzle.
We start with Sam on a beach, not a couch, wtf? Oh there’s a pier. Still no couch, bum.
We head to Brisbane, Michael’s home town. He’s bouncing a soccer ball while wearing a girly snod – serious dude, what’s with your fashion sense? Sam gets a ‘Frost’ jersey with number 4 – her lucky number. It’s so sweet, she’ll keep it forever (until the real winner burns it)…
Ohhh, he’s a goalie, so not a real soccer player (sorry dude, I thought you were a hotty before that). Sam’s a tomboy – no shit, really? I wouldn’t have guessed that with your bogan mouth. Little Sam puts Soccer boy in his place and shows him up. I’m beginning to think he’s not even a real goalie…
Awkward leg wrap hug and pash. My vodka starts to repeat.
Yay boat cruise, I hope there’s a couch. It’s romantical (channelling Rosie). Sam feels special. They drink wine that looks a tad yellow. Michael notes he doesn’t leave his parents often (in different words maybe but I’m still sensing a mummy’s boy). Sam’s pissing her pants (or perhaps that’s what is in the wine glasses…). Another pash. More vodka. They praise their kissing ability. It’s not that hard you two – lips together, smooch. Easy!
I notice Sam’s necklace looks like chainmail – perhaps a sign – she’ll be his ball and chain. Insert soppy shit here – verbal blah blah blah. I send my partner for another vodka. Shit, this show’s making me alcoholic.
Sam has butterflies and Michael worries he’ll be traded. Hang on, WHAT – he lives across the road from his folks. Run Sam, I’ve seen Everybody Loves Raymond. Introductions start. Sam’s left awkwardly holding flowers. Michael’s dad wants to trade his son. I see the nose, my bird phobia kicks in – it’s a beak – eek! Ah Sam, mum will hate you if you keep flirting with dad. Stop it. My daughter notices the nose. Hehe.
Michael’s dad says he wants to drill Sam deep with a weird look in his eye. I hope Sam has her chastity belt on. He asks what type of person she’s really looking for, meaning, ‘Hey Sammy, don’t you want an older man’? Sam nods politely as he goes blah blah blah. Sam notes she likes Michael’s dad and her soft spot is open to Michael’s dad.
It’s mum’s turn to grill. Sam just blabs. Oh Sam, shut up. Michaels gets it – but from a guy’s point of view – are you sure Michael, your snod begged to differ? Mum’s input is that Michael has a big heart. Of course she’d say that. My son has a massive heart. Cameras stop rolling and mum slaps dad.
Alone time. Michael is wearing a figure hugging shirt – black, my favourite colour. OMG! He writes I heart symbol you on his hand with xx. Another pash. More vodka repeating. They’ll miss each other. But she’s off to pash other guys – sorry Michael. Go cry into your snod and bounce your balls on your own.
We now head south to NSW. He comes from the biggest island in the world but he’s recently discovered the beach. I sigh. They hug. I have a sip and prepare my typing fingers once again.
They are ‘comfortable’. I notice he has ginger in his beard. I wonder if he shaves his head as he doesn’t like being a ranga? My kids attract red heads, I like them, they are nice.
I also love surfing – come on Sam, suit up. You can pee in your wetsuit and Alex won’t even notice. But if you’re on your monthly’s, watch for sharks – just saying. Oh, she looks hot. Why can’t I look that hot in a wetsuit? They frolic. He also has strong feelings and they’re growing. I bet that’s not all that’s growing Alex. She has waterproof makeup on. I’d be a panda.
FINALLY! A FUCKING COUCH. Sorry for my bogan mouth, I love Sam. Oh, no family. What – this isn’t what is meant to happen – it’s family week – stupid producers, Dave should have stayed. Nope, wait, there’s a surprise! My partner guesses that he’s gay. Wrong! The sister is arriving. My daughter starts singing, ‘Nobody likes a bogan’ – she hasn’t read this yet – weird.
Sam’s freaking out. Alex explains his close bond to his sister as he waves a knife at Sam. Like her or suffer the consequences…Sister doesn’t blink as she walks towards Sam and demands water. I sip my vodka, feeling a little guilty. Shot of the moon – so exciting. The sister calls Sam an alien – in different words. Sam still has shiny red nails. Bitch, my nail polish always chips – how do you do that even after soccer and surfing. Blah blah blah.
The mum question…Boom! Sam obviously wants to run. Just do it Sam, he was the pity date anyway. Just go. NOW. They find a couch. Ah, now Sam is comfy. She’s on a couch. She gets grilled but still manages to use her hand motions and flick her hair – gorgeous hair. My stylist had better be able to do that to mine. Sister questions how she’d let him down – will it be gentle? Ummm, shit yes, he won’t get a rose (am I a psychic?)….
Sam thanks Alex. They mention the word amazing a couple of times. I sip my vodka and stretch my hands. No big pash. Bye Alex, you’ll be gone. He’s holding back – bad move buddy. Sam likes pash action.
Across to Perth with the rope technician who can tie me up anytime he likes (insert purr noise here). I giggle at the old people date reminiscing. They mwah (literally make that sound) and he swings her around. We reminisce some more.
She wants to pick up Ritchie and connect on a deeper level. Sam, it’s a PG time slot, keep it clean sister. I stop to admire Perth too, I’ve never been there either. Hey, I have something in common with Sam. It’s awesome, it’s amazing. They interrupt each other – cuteness galore. He has walls. Perhaps he should throw some ropes down…
Sam still has perfect red nails. Seriously Sam, what’s the secret? She has a Ritchie crush. They pash – majorly. I actually stop to watch and say ‘awwww’. Off to meet the mum and sis. The sinister music starts when he notes she will meet his mates. Oh Oh. Sam has changed peeing her pants to crapping her pants. More blokes. How will she handle being the centre of attention in a room of blokes…I sigh at the irony and have a sip of my vodka.
After using the ad break for a pit stop, we return to meet Ritchie’s clan. They all cheer. Sam awkwardly holds flowers again and shoves Champaign at mum – ‘Open it, I need one’. Sam says she’ll drink anything. Hmm, explains the earlier scenes with that suss yellow wine.
My partner distracts me with this massive huntsman on the wall. I try to decide whether I should keep watching or catch it to put it outside. I stay. They make salad. The huntsman would have been more fun. We all know you can’t make friends with salad. Again with the big knives during questioning…
The salad is brought out and saves Ritchie from questioning. The focus shifts to Sam so she can’t enjoy her BBQ dinner. Poor little Sam. The mates are tough. Shit guys – ease off. I think the mum’s secretly behind this…Sam blurts out blah blah blah again and Ritchie wants to punch his mate to shut him up.
Weird turn of events. Ritchie escapes with his mum and sister leaving poor Sam alone with the blokes. Ummm Rtichie, not too clever – a room of blokes – I wonder if one will get a rose by the time he returns. Mum loves her and wants her to join the family. Sweet. They all hug goodbye. My partner complains they make denim jackets for women and he can’t find a decent man’s one. I tell him to shhhh.
Will they pash? Of course. Oh, disappointed. It was like a kiss for her brother.
OMG OMG OMG, finally!
We go back to NSW to Sasha, in a field of cows. Appropriate? Oh wait, there are wine vines, I’m back on board. They sparkle. We reminisce how Sam can’t speak. They know each other on a deeper level – ohhhhhhhh…… I realise I have a filthy mind.
We see the blah from the paint date – on a couch. They go back to walking through a vineyard, coz they need some exercise. They decide to whinge – wine, whatever, I love them. The best couch of the season appears. Lovely. I take a moment to admire while they go blah blah blah. I look up and think the water flow is coming out to the fountain’s weepee – nope, I was wrong.
A performance from a good friend, Jack someone. The red shirt reminds me of Sam’s nails. I recheck her nails – still perfect. Seriously, how the fk? Sam, wearing a jumper and jacket, still gets goose bumps. I sense she’s lying. They dance and I go all gooey. I’ll be back. I need to admire this moment without typing and sip my vodka.
They sit back on the couch and go all gushy gooey again. Pash fest. Told you Michael…
The word amazing gets splashed again. I notice coz I’m a copywriter damn it!
My partner and I discuss that we think it’s going to be Sasha’s family that hates her and makes her go all ‘umm, umm, umm’…Could we be the secret Bachelorette script writers?
More flowers. Sam has shares in a florist, I’m sure of it. Sam sweats, perhaps from the turtle neck and jacket? Photos of Sasha everywhere makes me giggle – little Sashy. Sam awkwardly holds flowers once again. Mum is a real blonde – like me (cough cough). Yep, Sam is lost for words – ‘talk to me’ she commands.
Sasha is mummy’s boy as he was ‘her man’ after she split from her first husband. Shit Sam, sorry. Don’t judge him on this hard faced bitch. Sasha chucks Sam into the fire. So not cool Sashy babe, I want to smack you, hard. Daydream moment of smacking Sasha while mum grills Sam. I hear the word grandkids and think, ‘hang on’, wait up old lady. Again with the question if she’s over Blake. No, she’s not – seriously people – get over it.
Dinner is served and more questioning comes. I realise why Sam is so thin – she can’t eat as people constantly fire questions at her every time she sits at a table. I then realise it’s obvious no one talks to me…I sip my vodka, sadly.
Oh Sasha’s face cheers me up again. Mum approves. They all did – 4 out of 4. Well done Sam. I’m a proud Bachelorette fan.
The word amazing appears once again and they pash. Don’t stop. Please. I love you two. I want to be a script writer.
Oh my gosher, it’s time for Osher!
Final week starts next week – already. Wow. I’ll miss you all.
Hang on, Sam has to make a decision – again – poor chick, when will she need to stop doing this? Oh wait, next week yeah?
The guys all carry on about their strong connections and feelings. Sam means a lot to all of them. I’m taking note of the pocket hanky. Oh Alex, you’ve got one, you’re going buddy. Don’t call me.
In walks Osher looking like he’s just pumped his chest prior to filming the episode. He spiels some shit. We don’t care, we’re not here to perve on you Osh, be gone, you don’t get a rose. Wishing them the best, he takes my advice and leaves.
Sam walks in wearing a dress looking like a couch cover. It’s pink, and she still has red nails. SAM! Pink and red scream at each other – we all know that.
Michael gets the first rose – no surprise. Date order…
My guess is Sasha next. Yep!
Now Ritchie – go on Sam, do it – I wrote the script remember…I did it! Told you all.
Sam quivers. Alex looks at her and Osher states the obvious that he didn’t receive a rose. Sam walks Alex out to explain why he’s a lesser man than the others. Burn. Poor Alex, no hair, no earlobes, and no Sam (thanks Beverley Scheepers, love your work!).
Alex replies with, ‘sure’. I think he means, ‘whatev’s’. They carry on about happiness and best wishes coz she’s awesome. Sam’s head grows a little so she can’t return to the mansion as her head won’t fit back through the door.
Bye Alex, hello finals. And Ms Rosie, don’t be absent for the finals week, this is fkn hard work.